Hobson Square Publishing Report #2016 THE INSIDERS' GUIDE TO GETTING ALONG WITH YOUR BOSS by William G. Schlake Copyright 1993 by Hobson Square Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by electronic, mechanical, photocopying or other means without the express written permission of the author or publisher. Understand, the fact that your boss, like yourself, is a human being. Like everyone else, bosses come in all shapes and sizes. Like you, he has ambitions, aspirations, and dreams. Some he will achieve, others he won't. Some bosses are good managers, others bad, but most fall somewhere in the middle range. Unless you're working for a very small company, your boss probably has superiors of his own - that no doubt can, and do, drive him crazy at times. What it boils down to more than anything else is, how well you and your boss can deal with the emotional roller coaster of everyday life, and perhaps most importantly, how each of you view your job. To get along with you boss, or other people for that matter, you have to know how to understand and react to personality traits, get inside your boss's head. In short, you need to develop your human relations skills. This does not mean becoming a ""yes" man and always siding with your boss no matter how dumb a mistake he makes, or how big a fool he makes of himself. Your boss may appreciate such blind devotion, but unless you are willing to drop anchor and never advance up the corporate ladder, you also need to know when to put some distance between you immediate supervisor, and the powers that be, because if your boss really goofs-up - you may be shown the door at the same time your boss is! Back to getting along with the boss, you of course need to get on and stay on his "good side," in short become a team player That means becoming the type of an employee everyone would like to have work for them. Someone with a positive outlook, someone who's also friendly, loyal, tolerant, compassionate, understanding, courteous and supportive. Someone who can take, and follow orders. Someone who can get the job done. Someone who knows when to speak-up, and when to keep his mouth shut. Regardless of what you think of your boss, the first thing you should learn, is his style of supervising. The two extremes of management style, are a boss who enjoys playing the part of a military leader, where he, or she barks orders that must be followed exactly without question, or the boss who maintains a very low profile, giving employees broad guidelines and then disappearing. Fortunately, most bosses fall somewhere in between the two extremes, or little actual work would ever get done! If you have the type of personality that demands you must have very specific orders or you're "afraid you won't do it right," you better have a boss who is willing to spend the time watching your every step. On the other hand, if you must be left to your own devices to make things work to get the job done and resent the boss looking over your shoulder or constantly "picking on you," you better have the type of boss who is willing to give you enough room to do your own thing. Either way, if you are stuck with the "wrong kind" of boss it will be a real source of irritation that frequently ends in you not seeing eye to eye with your supervisor. If you can't change, or at least try, you would be better off finding employment elsewhere - because the boss isn't going to change his management style to please you! It also pays dividends to learn what your boss likes and dislikes, and then adapt what you do to suit his personality and management style. All bosses expect their workers to know how to do their job, and to get it do it correctly, and on time, but problems are bound to come up in any business. One thing that can really "set off" your boss is not handling problems like "he thinks" they should be handled. Remember, he's the boss, so be sure to learn how he wants you to communicate problems. Does he prefer you put it in writing, arrange a meeting, or just drop-in his office anytime you have a question? Use common sense. If the boss is in a bad mood, or otherwise having a bad day, he's probably not in the proper frame of mind to listen to any new suggestions, or for you to ask to go home early, take a day off, or get a raise. Besides consideration for the boss's mood, and receptiveness on any particular day to listen to new ideas, the employee who thinks he has a good idea for changing an operating procedure, should always re-think his idea through from every angle before presenting it to the boss. You should give your boss the feeling of confidence that you're a team player and you want to be the one he or she can depend on to make his or her job easier. You should try to figure out what your boss's goals are, then help him to reach those goals through your contributions as a good employee. Basically, the good employee is the one who is ready and in the mood to go to work at the designated time. - A good employee knows his job, inside and out, and if faced with something new, puts in the necessary time on his own, to try and figure things out, then presents options to the boss, who decides if any changes in policy or procedures are needed. - A good employee doesn't take time off except for real illness or emergencies. He's the one who does his work, gets the job done, and is proud of his contribution to the overall success of the company he works for. He's one who's ready to help a fellow employee or newcomer without having to be asked to do so. - A good employee lets the boss know that he's completed his work, and is free to assist him or her with special projects. He's the one who doesn't camp out at the water cooler or coffee machine engaging his fellow workers in idle gossip. He's the one who sets up his work area either for the person on the next shift, or so that he'll be ale to go right to work when he comes in the next day. All of these things and more, are the basic ingredients to the definition of a good employee, and being a good employee is the best way of getting along with the boss! The practice of good human relations and displaying the virtues of the ideal employee, requires the constant use of one's common sense for ultimate success. On needs to be aware of the boss's sensitivities, and eccentricities. If he bristles at any hint of criticism of how he does things, he needs a subordinate who'll be willing to work under less then ideal conditions. So, the bottom-line to getting along with any boss is first be a good employee yourself. Master human relations. Understand that your boss is a human being just like yourself - with a job to do, and bosses of his own to answer to. So do everything you can to make his or her job easier. It will go a long way to making your job easier and having a good working relationship with the boss! If you can master the all important "people skills," someday you may enjoy the power and prestige of being the boss, and enjoying all the perks and other trappings of being in charge! HOW TO TEACH YOUR CHILD RIGHT FROM WRONG 0 - 1 YEAR At this stage in life, the concepts of right and wrong are not possible to teach. Rather, an infant who is shown warmth, cuddling and loving attention is likely to grow into a healthy and happy adult. 1 - 2 YEARS Rather than scolding a child or arguing with him about misbehaver, try to take preventative measures beforehand. If you don't want him pulling things out the cupboards, make sure they are secured. At this age of short attention span, discipline beyond a simple "no" is unnecessary and can have undesirable effects. 2 - 4 YEARS Children of this age, unable to understand abstractions such as generosity and truth, imitate their parents. So set an example. Be firm in disallowing undesirable behaviour, but do so in a kind and friendly manner, without attempting to explain why. 4 - 6 YEARS This is the time where you can really take some positive steps to reinforce your child's positive behavior. Give him lots of praise when it's due. Children of this age respond well to simple reasoning and explanations. Concepts such as truthfulness and generosity can be introduced. Continue to set an example of acceptable behavior. The child at this stage wants to please you and wants to be liked by others. 5 - 8 YEARS Children develop a greater social awareness at this age. They understand the basic rights of others when taught fairness, values and the need to follow certain rules of behavior. Rules and limitations not only seem just to the child, but give him a good feeling of security. 8 - 11 YEARS Due to natural growth and influences outside the home, your child has likely become more independent. He may begin to question your decisions, contradict or argue. You must remain firm in the important matters and flexible in less important ones. Demonstrate and discuss the child's duties and responsibilities to friends, relatives and society. Set examples of moral behavior. Sex education can also be important at this stage. 12 - 17 YEARS These are normally rebellious years for most teenagers. In fact, teenagers who never rebel are probably in emotional trouble. As a parent you must weather the storm when your teenager begins to question and test conventional values, rules and beliefs. If you've instilled a sense of values at an early age, chances are he still retains many of those ideas. Try to keep lines of communication open and don't push the panic button. If communication does break down and tensions mount considerably, seek professional help. 18 YEARS AND OVER At this stage most young adults are forming, or have formed, their own set of values. However, life still holds for them many unanswered questions, and a warm yet honest relationship can still go a long way in helping them reach mature adulthood. HOW TO COMMAND, INFLUENCE AND CONTROL PEOPLE The Styles and Methods of Power Power is the ability to get things done - your way. Sometimes it's a direct order that you give, sometimes a suggestion you make, or a request or the asking of a favor; but the result (if you have power) is always that the other person acts and you derive a benefit from the other person's actions. Once can have power in many different ways. You have it over your employees because you pay their salaries. If you are an expert in a special field, it's because you know the best way to handle matters. In a legal dispute it's because you have the law on your side. If you have credit cards, it can be part of your lifestyle to go into a store, hotel, or restaurant, in any city, and order whatever you wish. In politics it's because folks will give you their votes, hoping that you'll work and succeed in getting the government to serve them in their area. And there's the power that derives from being talented, charming and capable; of being up-to-the minute and knowledgeable, so people know if they let you handle things for them or listen to your advice, they'll come out ahead. One more aspect of power. This concerns competition. If all the world were fair and equal, one would have no need for the upper hand, for the advantage, for power. But of course the world isn't. Which often means that in a competitive situation you cannot merely settle for an equal chance. You must keep your eyes and ears, and indeed all you faculties, open for any clue or other tips that will move the balance in your favor. Whenever possible, make sure you get more than an equal chance. |You Have to Look the Part People are impressed by how a man looks. They are often not aware of exactly why they treat one man like a VIP and another gets the bum's rush. Their reactions may be subliminal, below their conscious awareness. But take it from me, if you're well dressed, neatly groomed, hair trimmed, etc., and are driving a snazzy car, you'll be well received; while a guy who's wearing sloppy clothes, unshaven and unclean, and who's driving an old heap, will hardly get any attention at all. Look as good as you can; and back it up in other ways. Add the other elements of the power image too. Clothing - it's worth investing some money to be well dressed. Buy suits on time payments if you can (a credit card is very useful for this). That way the clothes are helping to get power, and therefore money, for you while you are paying for them. Don't forget about the car you drive around in; if the one you have is not impressive then rent one that is. Rental cars don't cost that much and driving a good one pays dividends in the power sphere. Try to join clubs and organization (business, social, political) that have important and influential members. If at first you can't become a member, then manoeuvre a member into taking you as his guest. Money and power beget money and power, the more they thing you have, the more you'll get. We must repeat that, for most people, those who belong to the power elite are those that appear to belong to it. Unless recognized personally, a millionaire will be turned away from a class restaurant if he's not well-dressed. You Have to Consciously Act the Part of One Who is Used to Being in Command There's another extremely important factor in appearing to already have money and power beyond what I mentioned above and that is your own manner of doing things. You must move, speak and act power. Have you ever met the grandson of a man who amassed a fortune and wondered how a grandfather who did so much could have a grandson who seems like such a weakling? It's true; that grandson could never get rich on his own; if he hadn't inherited his family's money, he'd be poor because he's weak and incompetent. And it shows. The men who, like yourself, are capable of making money now, are men who can act in a strong style that almost seems to draw money like a magnet. Language, and the way you speak , can say as much as the ideas in your words. Equally important however, is your body language, that is, the way you stand, walk, move and sit, and the gestures you make. |Be the Man Who's in Demand Power isn't just you being able to call someone and tell him what to do; it's also other men calling you and asking for your business or wanting to associate with you. If you're a man who seems to possess a wide knowledge of the world, an awareness of trend, if you're the early-bird who catches sight of opportunities first, if you're the man who's capable of handling many different kinds of situations, then people will seek you out. They'll invite you to vacation at their country homes, to meet their influential associates, to join their social clubs and their business syndicates. And when they do, all of these will enhance your image of power, and widen your power base so you can zoom in even more. |When the Fight for Power Gets Harder Everything we've said so far will be useful in just about every situation; but when the struggle for power gets more intense, some other methods are needed. When the person(s) you're talking to has been open-minded and your powers of persuasion have been working from the moment you first started talking, the usual techniques can be used. But what if you're dealing with someone whose mind is closed to your ideas and influence from the start, or who feels he is in direct competition with you? Then things must be handled somewhat differently. Most important, be in control of the situation at all times. If you feel your control is slipping, do something to regain it, You could do something vividly dramatic and totally bewildering to the other person, like suddenly shouting or pounding on your desk. Or you could press a secret buzzer to have someone rush in and interrupt when the other side is coming on too strong. Never ever get into a power struggle when you're at any kind of a disadvantage; if you're tired or if the discussion turns to a subject in which the other guy is an expert. Always focus your own mental energy and project your thoughts into his mind. Look him in the eyes, try to gain his confidence. Always have a picture in your mind of a victory over this person bigger than the victory you need to achieve your aims. And whatever you do, don't lose; that is, if you realize that you can't beat him, then leave. It's better not to have victory than to have a defeat. |Say Whatever Does the Trick Making a lot of money is largely a process of convincing people, of selling yourself, your service, your product. And the trick is to tell them what they want to hear. The problem is to find out what they want to hear. So you'll start out by giving them basic information about what you're selling. You then continue with your sales approach, always watching their reactions carefully. When you see their eyes light up and they then lean forward with interest, then continue on the topic that aroused that interest, no matter how odd it may seem to you. And do the opposite when you reach any of the usual parts of your presentation, if the prospect shows less than the normal amount of interest; that is, shorten that part and go on tho the next. |From Start to Finish You start out by telling them what the product or service is or does. The kinds of benefits people get from using it and some examples of ways, both usual and unusual, that other folks have used it. It often helps to mention that "Mr. Anderson, you know, the big shot, just bought two of them for his own use", or that "the XYZ Corporation recently bought seven of them for their executives". Or if you're selling a more heavy duty item, that "Smith's Construction Company has been using them for years". If it's almost a custom made item, tell them they're one of the select few who will even get a chance to buy it. If you have an opportunity to talk to his wife or a friend of his, play along with that other person and have them unknowingly hinting to the customer that "it certainly sounds like a good deal". If his kids are with him, get them to needle him into buying it. Use any method that works. Suppose the guy seems convinced but he can't seem to make up his mind to actually hand over the money or sign the contract to make the purchase. Sometimes it helps to imply that he really can't afford it. He might buy it just to show you he isn't poor or a cheapskate. Another great strategy that sometimes works in desperation to close a sale is to make him feel guilty if he doesn't buy. Imply that he deliberately wasted your time and energy, the he's rotten and thoughtless, that he just wanted to make a phony impression on his wife or girl friend or anyone who is there with him. You might want to say all this very loudly, almost yelling, so that a crowd gathers and you shame him into buying. Or you can try another method to clinch the sale, offer him a "special bonus". Say you'll give him a longer time to pay, or a contract for "free" servicing or that you'll add on a bonus of another item "free". Actually he may have been entitled to this "extra" all along, but if you haven't mentioned it, then now's the time. Try to keep one or two tings in reserve as your last pieces of ammunition. |To Sum It Up Prepare in advance so you know the other man's point of view; if you're able to benefit him, he'll practically jump at the chance to let you make money off him. Tell him what he wants to hear. And above all, keep eyes and ears open for any information, clues or tip-offs, favorable or unfavorable, that will give you the powers to persuade him. In the power battle called life, victory will go to those who find the right weapons and use them. So keep your weapons handy; get a head start and don't lose it. Be alert for clues you can use to your advantage. Present yourself with confidence; broadcast your will power, speak and move with assurance, and, to make sure they get the message, have the clothes, car, office and the other outer appearances of power and money. People tend to believe what they see, and if you look like you've got it made, then you will have it made. NERVOUS HABIT - YOU CAN BREAK IT IN A FEW DAYS If you have a nervous habit you'd like to break, don't pull your hair out. You can put an end to fingernail-biting or hair-twisting in a matter of several days - and you can do it on your own. The following 4-step plan will help you put an end to your nervous habit for once and for all. Recognize your bad habit. Increase your awareness of it by acting it out in front of a mirror. Try to keep track of how many times during the day you fall into your habit. Devise a replacement action. If you're a hair-puller, start carrying a brush and brush your hair each time you get the pulling or twisting urge. A nail-biter should learn to substitute filing his or her nails rather than biting. Bring your habit out of the closet. Advise your work cohorts and family that you are attempting to break your nervous habit. Ask them to remind you when they catch you falling into your habit. Learn to take it easy. Relaxation will help you put an end to a nervous habit. When you are too keyed up, your nervous habit takes over, so learn to do some deep breathing when you begin to feel uptight about something. Your biggest hurdle in overcoming your nervous habit is in recognizing it. Once you do this and really decide you want to break it, you have done the hardest part. Good luck. MEASURING YOUR STRESS LEVEL If you've been wondering what degree of stress you live under, here is a quick way to get a fair estimate. Dr. Thomas and Dr. Richard Rahe composed a table of events and the amount of stress they cause. The most interesting feature of this table is that the people they interviewed actually told them, how they could rate specific events for the stress they cause, so this is human rather than a medical appraisal of the degree of stress those events caused As you get used to certain changes in your life, they become less stressful, so these ratings will not be entirely accurate for you. If, for example, you take a vacation only every five years, you might rate it a 25 instead of a 13. The common starting point used was a standard rate of 50 for marriage for all the people interviewed. The combined total of both positive and negative stresses in the past few months will give you an idea of your current stress level. Keep in mind that people have varying stress-handling capacities and this table does not take into account such regular stresses as recreational drug use, alcoholism, chronic illness, allergy, battering and random stresses such as car accidents, contest winning to the dreaded tax audit. This is presented as information only and should not be used for diagnostic or treatment purposes. EVENT - Death of spouse 100 - Divorce 73 - Marital separation 65 - Jail term 63 - Death of a close family member 63 - Personal Injury or illness 53 - Marriage 50 - Fired at work 47 - Marital reconciliation 45 - Retirement 45 - Change In health of family member 44 - Pregnancy 40 - Sexual difficulties 39 - Addition of new family member 39 - Business of adjustment 39 - Change in financial status 38 - Death of a close friend 37 - Change to different line of work 36 - Change in number of arguments with spouse 35 - Mortgage over $10,000 31 - Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30 - Change in job responsibilities 29 - Son or daughter leaving home 29 - Trouble with in-laws 29 - Outstanding personal achievement 28 - Wife or husband begins or stops work 26 - Beginning or end of school 26 - Change in living conditions 25 - Revision of personal habits 24 - Trouble with boss 23 - Change in work hours or conditions 20 - Change in residence 20 - Change in school 20 - Change in recreational activities 19 - Change in church activities 19 - Mortgage or loan under $10,000 17 - Change in sleeping habits 16 - Change in number of family get-togethers 15 - Change in eating habits 15 - Vacation 13 - Christmas 12 - Minor violations of the law 11 UNDERSTANDING AND DEALING WITH EVERYDAY STRESS by William G. Schlake WHAT STRESS IS... Stress is an abnormal condition that disrupts the normal functions of the body or mind. No two people are affected in exactly the same way, or to the same degree, but most people living in our highly industrialized society suffer from its effects at one or more times during their lives. Symptoms range from mind headaches, occasional bouts of insomnia, overall restlessness, digestive problems, irritable bowel syndrome, constipation and diarrhea, and abdominal pain. SELECTED LIFE EVENTS THAT CAN BRING ON STRESS: Death of Spouse. Death of a close family member. Death of a close friend. Major personal injury, illness or pregnancy. Sexual molestation, drug abuse. Major change in the health or behavior of a family member. Gaining or losing a new family member. Sexual difficulties. Marital separation from mate. Marriage, marital reconciliation, divorce. Arguments with spouse, family members, friends, co-workers. Changes in sleeping habits or change in part of day when asleep. Vacations, Major holidays. In-law troubles. Financing major purchases. Beginning or ceasing formal schooling. Change in usual type and or amount of recreation. Change in outside social activities, religions, etc. Major change in eating habits, Iiving conditions, moving. Spouse beginning or ceasing work outside the home. Changing to a different line of work. Major change in responsibilities at work. Changes in working hours or conditions. Troubles with the boss. Being fired at work. Starting a new job or career. Retirement from work. Business readjustment, changes in financial condition. Minor violations of the law (e.g., traffic tickets, disturbing the peace, etc.) Detention in jail or other institution. Dealing With Work Related Stress Examples that can cause work related stress are trying to get too much work done in too little time, cutting corners or otherwise taking chances that may put you, or someone else at risk, and trying to get along with superiors and co-workers. Everybody has days when there simply seems there's too much work to get done. Trying to get everything done by yourself can bring on stress. Some people try and deal with the pressure by delegating certain jobs to others. If you can unburden yourself and not worry about when and how the work gets done, if you can put full faith and trust in co-workers or subordinates it can be an effective escape valve. Trouble is, most people can't let go. If you have the type of personality that demands to know how things are going, chances are you're only increasing the pressure and stress on yourself by constantly worrying if the work is getting done or not. To lessen stress you must either learn to trust others to get the job done, or prioritize jobs to get rid of "what must be done" first. Many people tend to "put off" the difficult jobs they hate to do until the last possible minute. Of course, this only makes it all the more difficult and stressful when you finally get around to doing what you should have done earlier. When you feel the "walls closing in on you" if possible, take a break. Many people in trying to relax actually kick their bodies into overdrive by using their break time to either get a nicotine or caffeine fix. Instead of calming you down, both substances being stimulants speed up your body processes. You may think you're relaxing, but your blood pressure and heart are working harder. Instead of coffee or cigarettes try a brief chat with friends, a short leisurely walk, even just looking out the window for a few minutes. Never take breaks, or eat lunch at your work station. The point of a break is to get away from whatever work you're doing. You can't get your mind off your work if you're chained to your work area. Getting along with your co-workers and the boss can be more than a sore point. It can be something you learn to put up with, or it can turn into a festering wound that only gets worse with time. If you're having problems, get them out in the open. Most managers today at least have some training in dealing with personal problems. If you can't clear the air or have tried using all the company procedures to resolve a grievance, and you no longer enjoy your job, hate to go to work in the morning, or feel that the pressure is getting to be too much, it may be time to seriously consider a change. STRESS AWAY FROM WORK Anyone who's ever been stuck in a major traffic jam probably has seen the darker side of many people's personalities. It seems everyone is always in a hurry to either get, or go somewhere, and never seem to allow enough time for the everyday problems that are bound to crop up from time to time. Banging on the steering wheel, laying on the horn, giving someone the "finger," or shooting a string of obscenities is only reacting to something that has already happened. You can't make the guy in front of you go any faster, or prevent someone from cutting you off. Accidents, road repairs, and just plain heavy traffic happens. Learn to deal with it or don't drive. If you must, at least change your route from time to time. Always allow plenty of time, and try and make all trips as pleasant as possible. You may not realize it, but how you act on your way to work, or on your way home will have either a positive or negative impact. Accept the fact that it's something you just have to get through so you may as well try and make the best of it. Most people are smart enough to know that they should set some time aside to take it easy. If you participate in some sports activity, remember you're doing it to relax! While many people naturally have their competitive nature come to the surface when engaging athletics, don't lose sight of the fact you're participating to have fun. Don't get bent out of shape if you don't always win or otherwise play up to par. The whole point is to enjoy yourself and forget your everyday worries. Treat it as a night out with the "boys," or gals and relax! Families can be as source of support, an oasis away from the everyday pressures or sometimes it's only a place to grab a few hours sleep and get back in the rat race. Your children, spouse, family members, in-laws can be a source of irritation at times. If someone is constantly doing something that really "bugs you," tell the offending person or persons and see if things can be straightened out before things get out of control. A man's home (a woman's too) should indeed be a place to rest and relax. Many people find it helpful unwind by sharing the day's events with their loved ones. It should not develop into a daily routine, nor should you give a detailed blow by blow recap of the day's events, but when things go wrong, who better to talk to than your family? Holding things back, keeping it inside yourself, almost always does more harm than good and can affect not only your well-being but everyone else in your family as well. Talking things over is a great way to get rid of built up stress that many people overlook. You should also be a good listener. Don't unload your problems and have no time for your mate's or children's problems. They may seem trivial to you, but they are real problems that need solving just like yours. A great way to get rid of stress is, every once in a while, do something totally different and unexpected without any prior planning. Don't fall into a trap when you must do such and such thing a certain way, or at specific time or place. If you always put on a blue suit on Thursday, or go to an Italian restaurant on Tuesday, break the habit every once in a while. Even doing things you like can become stressful if you're stuck in the same old rut week after boring week. Stress can best be managed by realizing what you can change about your life and knowing what you can't. Learn how to recognize the difference and you'll enjoy life more and be better able to deal the ups and downs that are part of ev HOW TO OVERCOME KILLER STRESS By Dr. John E. Russell PAYDAY It was November 30, 1991 - the date is firmly etched in my mind - we had returned from visiting a older friend. I took a shower, then became extremely nauseated - I don't ever remember being that ill - then tried to throw up, but was too sick to. I then headed for the front door to get some fresh air and became dizzy. I lay down on the floor to avoid passing out. Heart attack! came to mind - I may be dying. I asked my wife to call the ambulance. I prayed aloud, asking God to forgive my sins. I wanted to call my son in Tulsa, but there was not enough time. The ambulance crew arrived, along with two friends. One prayed aloud for me. The cool night air felt good. Preliminary tests at ICU indicated a stomach virus, but the attending physician recommended further tests. There had been heart symptoms for about ten years, but I hadn't followed the doctor's advice for medical tests. I had noticed pain up into my neck during exertion, and a general heaviness in the chest area. There were times when my heartbeat would skip and I became winded easily. My wife had suffered a stroke in 1986 and was later pronounced permanently disabled. To compound the situation, now we were under great financial stress. My mailorder business was not doing well financially, though I enjoyed it and it seemed tailor-made for our circumstances. A resting EKG indicated that my heart was not getting enough oxygen. A stress ekg indicated some problem. Then, in January 1992, a heart catheterization indicated that I had not had a heart attack. I was placed on one aspirin per day and Cardizem, which is a heart and blood pressure medicine. Stress was making me seriously ill. My family was very supportive, but stress agents were taking their toll. I had served as an Army Chaplain in Vietnam, and finished a military career in the Army Reserve, retiring a colonel in 1988. I had earned a BA, two masters degrees and a doctorate, taught in two colleges for a total of five and a half years, pastored for eleven years and spent about five years in school administration. At one time, I was teaching a full load at college, working on a doctorate and working on a reserve military career. Things went to "zero." Children made me nervous. Crowds of people bothered me. I didn't want to go anywhere. Other physical problems began to surface. I looked for a pastorate and jobs, but didn't know if I could perform. Bankruptcy was put off until stress forced the issue - we filed for bankruptcy December 1992. I had been effectively become a drug addict. No, I did not inject drugs in my veins or smoke or "snort" them. But, by worry and stress, I inadvertently had my brain command the adrenal gland to do so! Many of you are stressed-out, too. Learn from my bad experience, or you may not be so fortunate. Sometimes the first heart attack is the killer! SHORT-TERM STRESS (FEAR) God made a human being so that in case of real or imagined danger, the adrenal medulla (the inside part of the adrenal gland) produces adrenaline, a hormone, which is injected into the blood stream. Adrenaline produces an "acute alarm" reaction in the body. This acute reaction is generally short-term. The heart beats faster and blood pressure is raised. Blood is shunted from the stomach and skin to the muscles to provide physical strength for "fight or flight." High-energy fats are dumped into the bloodstream, blood sugar level rises, breathing quickens, eyes dilate and chemicals appear in the blood to clot blood rapidly in case of injury. This heightened condition may save one's life, but it is hard on the body. LONG-TERM STRESS (WORRY) When one perceives a real or imagined loss of control, the adrenal cortex (the outside part of the adrenal gland) produces cortisol, another hormone, which is injected in the blood stream. Cortisol produces a "vigilance reaction" in the body. This is a chronic reaction - a long term state. Blood pressure rises slowly, body tissues retain sodium and other vital chemicals. High-energy fats and blood-clotting chemicals are released into the blood stream. Sex hormones are repressed. Gastric acid production is increased to maximize digestion. The immune system is repressed, making one more susceptible to disease. WORRY-INDUCED ILLNESS Both conditions can trigger a heart attack. Excess stomach acid can cause ulcers, Atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries) and continued high blood pressure can result due to continued stress. In short, fear, anxiety, overconcern and worry causes the brain to command the adrenal gland to inject strong chemicals into the blood stream. These chemicals act as a poison over a period of time. Dr. S. I. McMillen discloses, Emotional stress can cause high blood pressure, toxic goiter, migraine headaches, arthritis, apoplexy (cardiovascular accident or stroke), heart trouble, gastrointestinal ulcers, and other serious diseases too numerous to mention. Dr. Carl Jung was the first to teach that the cause of schizophrenia was a toxin injurious to the brain - said toxin being formed by emotional disturbance, especially anxiety. In short, worry or anxiety can cause physical and mental illness. THE WAY BACK One by one, with the help of God and others, I worked on each stress agent. A program of walking, diet and medicine is helping. I recommend two excellent resource books to help overcome killer stress. One of the best medical resources for stress management is Dr. Robert S. Eliot's book, Is It Worth Dying For? How to Make Stress Work for You - Not Against You. Dr. Eliot experienced a heart attack himself, and now directs the Institute of Stress Medicine in Denver and serves as Professor of Cardiology at the University of Nebraska Medical Center. Another classic book on managing stress and preventing other illnesses is Dr. S. I. McMillen's book, None of These Diseases. Now is the time to act! Read and heed these timely books! See a physician if there are serious symptoms present. HOW TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE AND WIN THEM OVER INTRODUCTION You will never to be able to control people, but you will be able to let people control themselves in ways that benefit you. If you tell people what to do, they may not listen to you and will probably resent you. You must get people to do what they want to do, while you influence their control over themselves. This report will show you how to do that. There are two ways to get people to do what you want. The first, behavior modification, allows you to change a person's undesirable behaviors using positive reinforcement. The second method of influencing is reality modification, and we'll concentrate most of our attention on this. This influencing technique is successful because of the way in which your requests are presented. In this report, I will show you how to get anything. The secret to getting what you want is the way you go about getting it. KNOW WHAT PEOPLE NEED There are three main goals people subconsciously seek. They are: 1. Symbolic rewards 2. Material gains 3. Security SYMBOLIC REWARDS We all have the need for symbolic rewards, such as recognition and praise. Everybody wants to feel important and special. The act of praising and recognizing another is a strong motivator. Always reward good deeds with praise, and give positive, constructive criticism for bad deeds. If you are patient, in time you will see the results of your compliments. MATERIAL REWARDS Material rewards mean a lot to people, whether they realize it or not. In any capitalist society, a person's status is judged by his material gains. Therefore, since money produces material gain, it is a strong motivator, and its presence can have a strong influence on others. SECURITY Everyone needs security and stability. Security is attained when people feel they belong and are needed by others. People want security in their jobs, friends, family, etc. There are many ways to increase other people's feelings of security: a) Let people know what you have to offer and what you expect from them in return. Tell them why the relationship you have with them is the way it is. b) Make people feel that they are needed and belong in the relationship with you. Show a need for their presence. c) Let others know what their efforts are accomplishing and how they are affecting you. Make them feel important and special to you. Show them that their efforts are appreciated. d) Make sure that parties in the relationship are compatible EMPHASIZE COMFORT Make sure people are comfortable in their relationships with you. If they are not, find out why and do something about it. HOW TO WIELD MORE INFLUENCE Know What You Want Have a clear idea in your mind about what to achieve, whether it be changing another person's undesirable behaviors or persuading him to accept your point of view. Fix this idea of what you want to achieve firmly in your mind. Know exactly what you want, and clarify any vague objectives you may have. Clarity of personal purpose is the first step to putting your influencing abilities to work. Understand Expectations Have a clear understanding of what others expect of you and what you actually expect of yourself. People often set unrealistic expectations for themselves by gathering up all of the good qualities they see in others, and trying to have them all within themselves. No one expects you to be perfect. Be Persistent Resolve to do everything better and be persistent until you attain the results you've been trying to achieve. Anything worth doing once is worth doing again and again. Don't let rejection or any other negative experience stop you. Learn from mistakes, better yourself, and keep on going. You Must Give in Order to Receive The old cliche, "there' no such thing as free lunch," is fact of life. If you want to receive something, learn to pay for it. Some things may have higher prices than others, and some things may have a higher value to you than others. Examine your options carefully and match what you can give with what you want to receive. Pay Attention To People People will help you get where you want to go. It will never be easy for you to make it alone. People can teach you and help you become more influential with others. Listen to other people and learn from them. Expect A Lot When you expect a lot, you can get a lot. Your expectations of others and yourself will become reality. Whatever you expect to happen will happen. If you push yourself hard, you will start to see results. Build A Positive Atmosphere When you create a "win, win, win" situation, you will start to win. When you start to think positively, your life will start to be positive. Promise A Lot, Deliver More Promise people a lot, and then give them more. This is the way the highest achievers have made it. Tell people what you will do for them, and then do more. Give People What They Want If you want things from others, you must first give. Don't expect others to make the first move - you have to. If you want to get ahead in life and be successful, you must make the first move. Everybody has certain goals and objectives they wish to achieve. If you can help them reach their goals and objectives, they will want to return the favor. Give people what they want and you will always be ahead. HOW LISTENING HELPS YOU CONTROL OTHERS Listening is one of the most important necessities of human communication. If you don't listen to people, you are missing out on one of the best ways to influence people. People will always listen to you when you listen to them. One of the greatest influencing tools is listening. When you listen to what's on a person's mind, you will find that communication barriers are broken. Even if you think you know what they are going to say, listen to them. If you are a bad listener, people will think that you are not interested in them. People will like you if listen to them. How do you feel about people who listen to what you have to say? Isn't your admiration for them high? Others will feel the same way about you. Eliminate All Distractions Distractions inhibit good talkers and listeners. It is important that you remove all distractions when listening to another person. You want to create a very warm and comfortable atmosphere for the talker. What Questioning Will Do Questions we ask people arouse their thinking processes. When you arouse people's think processes, you give them the chance to express their own ideas and feelings. The only way you will find out what you want to know about another is by asking questions. If you are able to help people think on their own they will respect you and like you. You have been able to do something for them that they were not able to do for themselves. By listening to others, you also fulfill their need to feel important. Through your concern, they feel special. Keep The Conversation Open In order to listen, you must keep the conversation open. Some people won't tell you everything on their minds, so you may have to question them to keep the conversation going. All of your questions should relate to who, what, why, where, when and how. What Questions Do You Ask? The questions you ask must have a specific purpose. If they don't, you will lose credibility. You must ask questions the person understands. Don't confuse other people by asking complicated questions, such as questions with many parts. Ask them one part of a question at a time. Try to get others to tell you "why." "Why" is one of the best questions to ask people. The reason for asking people questions is to get definite answers. Your questions should prompt definite answers, and they should discourage others from guessing at the answers. The therapeutic value of questioning is lost when people guess at answers. How To Resolve An Argument By Listening I have solved many arguments just by listening. It may be hard to believe, but it really works. It works when someone is trying to get his point across to you, and when he is yelling and telling you how right he is. Even if the argument is meaningless, here is how to deal with the situation so that you come out on top. The first thing you should do is listen to what the person has to say without once interrupting. This is where your listening skill will come in handy. You should say "yes" or "I understand" occasionally to show the other person that you are really listening. It is important that you agree with the other person's point of view. If you don't think the other person is right, you must at least let the other person know that you understand his point of view. When the other person is finished saying what he had to say, ask him, "what can I do for you?' This statement throws many people off because they don't expect it. You will find, after using this technique, that most people give in to your point of view. The reason for this is that all people really want is for someone to listen to them. HOW TO GET ACTION BY TALKING It is very important to listen to what other people have to say. Its is also important for others to listen to what you have to say. This chapter will teach you how to create the most impact from what you say. Get The Other Person's Attention The first thing you must do when trying to make a point is to get the other person's attention. Make sure the other person is listening to you before you begin talking. If the other person is not listening to you, then you are wasting your time trying to get through to him. Make Your Message Understood Make sure your message can be fully understood by the others person. Don't use language or terms the other person will not understand. Fill Your Message With Benefits People want to hear what you will do for them, not what you want from them. Fill your message with benefits. The following two sentences show how this concept works. "I can show you how to be a better person if you listen to me" is much more appealing than. "Listen to me because I am smarter than you." Begin Discussions With Agreements When you begin a conversation, open with something about which you have a mutual understanding and on which both of you can agree. Here is an example of this concept: IF you want someone to turn the lights off when not in use, you should not say, "keep the lights off, you *@$!!"; instead, you should say "We both want to conserve energy, don't we? So could you please turn off the lights when you leave the room?" Give Reasons For Your Requests Don't tell someone to do something just because you want him to, or because it is a policy or rule. Give him a reason to listen to you. If you ask someone to follow a policy or rule, tell him why you expect him to follow it. Don't just tell someone to do something - give him a benefit-oriented reason for doing it. Changing Subjects If you are going to change subject during a conversation, tell the listener that you will be moving on to another subject. If you confuse your listener, he may not listen. It is easier for a person not to listen at all than to try to follow a confusing conversation. More on "effective talking" can be found in the section on criticizing others. HOW TO DEAL WITH DEFENSIVE PEOPLE We sometimes think that people are resisting us when they're only trying to protect themselves. People often put up defensive fronts to portray themselves as people they are not. If you can get behind their fronts, dealing with defensive people becomes easy. Defensive People Very few defensive people actually realize they are defensive. They often feel they are acting in the best interests of others. In many cases, an outsider can see defensiveness in a person that the person is completely unaware of. People who shy away from any type of risk, or people who are constantly making excuses, have weaknesses within themselves. They project insecurities about themselves onto others. A person who constantly brag about his intelligence may, in fact, be insecure about it, so, for his own reassurance, he tries hard to convince others that he is smart. In some situations, he may become an "over-achiever" to compensate for his weaknesses. For example, he may sacrifice his social life and devote all of his time to school work. People who ridicule others for being poor achievers may be trying to hide the fact that they are poor achievers themselves. In this way, they project their own faults onto others instead of admitting them to themselves. When you encounter a person like that, don't just write him off as big mouth or a total loss. The best thing you can do is to make that person shut up. This will alleviate the problem temporarily, but the problem can only be eliminated permanently by the person himself. Criticize The Act, Not The Person The reason for criticizing other people is to modify their behavior. We want other people's attitude or behaviors to change because they are wrong. If you criticize people for being stupid, foolish, etc., they will lose respect for you. If you criticize people's acts not their intelligence, they'll change their acts and still have respect for themselves and for you. Everyone is insecure in one way or another and defensiveness is a normal reaction to insecurity. there are ways to deal with defensiveness in people without becoming frustrated or upset. Here are guidelines to follow when dealing with defensive people: Never Accuse A Person Of Being Defensive Accusing a person of being defensive can be damaging. Don't say things like, "You're defensive because you can't cope with the situation." Admit Your Own Mistakes No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, but do we all live up to them? If you make a mistake, apologize for it. If you are wrong, admit your error. Mistakes can help us learn how to do things right the second time around, and we should feel guilty about them. Solve The Real Problem If you already know the real reason behind a person's insecurity, then solve the real problem. If a person is insecure about being unattractive, give praise for their good qualities and reassure them of their attractiveness. Questioning And Listening May Solve The Real Problem Never directly label any of a person's weaknesses. Through your questioning and listening skills, you may be able to get a person to realize his own problems. When you question a person, ask vague questions and try to lead him to a point where he understands himself. Here is a sample question to ask: "It seems to me that you are angry. How do you feel about this situation?" Leave The Situation Alone In situations in which a person doesn't want to communicate, it may be better to leave the situation alone. Remember that you can only do so much to help a person realize his problems. HOW TO PERSUADE PEOPLE THROUGH PERSISTENCE If you are persistent, you will eventually get what you want. The reason for this is that it easier for people to give in to you than to continue resisting you. If you keep asking for something, within reason, you will get what you want. Children are experts at this. The following are steps you must take to use persistence effectively: Use A Direct Statement In a direct statement, calmly tell the other person what you want. Here are some examples: "I want to..."; "tell me..."; "show me..." Repeat Your Request Repeat your request over and over to the person until you get what you want or a reasonable compromise. Don't let the other person distract you with excuses or accusations. Keep repeating your request no matter what the other person says. Don't Lose Your Temper You must be calm and collected at all times during your request. No matter what the other person says or does, always be calm and pleasant. Get The Other Person To Make a Commitment The other person may give you a vague answer to meet your demand, such as, "We'll see," "soon," "Maybe," etc. If you get a vague answer, push for a commitment to an exact date. Fulfilling The Commitment Make sure the person who has made a commitment to you does what he agreed. If he isn't living up to his agreement, be persistent and refer him back to the terms of his commitment. Refer back to them as many times as it takes to make him follow through with what he agreed to do for you. HOW TO BE A MASTER COMPROMISER In many cases, all you will be able to achieve by being persistent is a compromise. Compromises are good because they put you a step closer to your goal. If, for some reason, you can't accept a compromise, then don't. Offer whatever you can, nothing more. This, however, may not get you a settlement in your favor. Here are several steps that will show you how to compromise so that you get the most you can out of the bargain: Tell The Person Exactly What You Want Tell the person exactly what you want in terms he will understand. For example, "I want more..." Be Strong And Persistent You must get around the other person's excuses and rationalizations. You must be persistent until you feel you have hit the other persons' bottom line. The other person may try to manipulate you, so be strong and persistent so he cannot. Don't Agree If You Are Unsure If you are unsure of what, don't agree to anything. You must think the situation over entirely before you compromise. If you need more time, tell the other person that you need more time. Make sure that you can live with the agreement before you make it. Everyone wants to be liked by other people. If you treat people the way they want to be treated, they will like you. If you treat them badly, they wong't. Often we don't know whether the things we do are objectionable to others. I am going to give you a list of things that attract people to others, and a list of things people find objectionable. Praise Everybody enjoys being praised. People look for approval of themselves from others. You should only praise people when they deserve praise. If you praise people when they don't deserve it, or if you praise people too much, you will lose your credibility. Don't exaggerate your praise. Make the praise as warm and sincere as you can. Don't Put People Down Putting a person down can be very damaging to your relationship with that person. People feel degraded when called stupid, crazy, weird, etc. Don't put people down, even if they are not present. If you do, the word will get back to them, and you will look bad. Always talk about people positively. If you don't like someone, don't say anything about him. You will be amazed at the social advantage this gives you. Don't Be Concerned With Your Interests Only There is nothing wrong with caring about and looking out for yourself as long as you don't become entirely preoccupied with it. People resent selfishness in others. Try to make your concern for others more noticeable than your concern for yourself. People will recognize and admire your generosity. Make sure others know you look out for them as well as yourself. Share The Credit When others have helped you accomplish something, share the credit with them, even if their contributions were not as great as yours. You will be surprised how generously people react toward you when you share credit with them. Don't expect Others To Provide For You If you are unwilling to go out of your way for others, don't expect them to go out of their way for you. Set the first example. If you help others, they will help you in return. Always Show Appreciation Everybody wants approval and recognition for what they have accomplished. If someone helps you in any way, tell him how much you appreciate his actions. Actions a person performs for you may not be repeated if you don't show appreciation. Here are some examples of how you can best state your appreciation for others: "I really appreciate the way you..."; "Thank you very much for..."; "You are very good at...", "I want to tell you how much it means to me that you..."; "You were very nice to..."; etc. Don't overdo your show of gratitude or you may seem insincere. Don't "Show Up" Others When you "show up" others, you do it at their expense. Showing up people in front of others takes away their self-respect. If you are better than others, they will know it. You don't have to degrade them. Treat Small Things With Importance Some problems may seem small to you, but they may mean a great deal to others. Don't ignore other people's problems. Treating small problems with importance shows other people you care. Care About People People are concerned about themselves, and it is important for them to feel that others also care about them. People feel important when others care about them. Helping people get through daily trials and sharing in their victories makes people feel that you care about them. Don't Criticize People In Front Of Others Public criticism will cause people to feel degraded and embarrassed, and they will resent you for doing that to them. If you criticize someone, criticize them privately and constructively. Give People Your Undivided Attention Everybody wants to feel important. To make a person feel important you must give him your undivided attention when communicating with him. Eliminate all distractions and be sure to have good eye contact. When you are communicating with another person, give him your complete, undivided attention. Be Courteous, Tactful and Diplomatic Everyone appreciates people who are courteous, tactful and diplomatic. The best way to learn these qualities is from others. Study someone you would like to be like and learn how he conducts himself. Be Confident If you are not confident in yourself, people will not be confident in you. People admire and respect confident people. IF you show others doubt, they will treat you with doubt. Be sure of yourself and play down your insecurities. HOW TO PERSUADE PEOPLE TO THINK LIKE YOU Criticism is one way to persuade people to think like you. With criticism we can modify the behavior of other people. IF people do things we don't like, we redirect (criticize) them. The word "criticism" has a negative connotation in our society, but criticism is actually very useful. In this chapter we'll discuss criticism, which should be considered constructive reasoning. Follow the steps shown below when you wish to criticize constructively. Criticism Before you criticism someone, be absolutely sure that what the individual did was wrong. Know the person you are criticizing. Make sure you understand the person's character. IF you know the person and his characteristics well, and you know he'll never change, then don't waste your breath criticizing him. Don't try to change a habit that the individual is not capable of changing, i.e., stuttering, etc. The reason for criticizing an individual is so you both benefit from the improved relationship. It is important that the person be improved and bettered by your criticism. I have set several guidelines for you to follow when criticizing another person. If you follow these guidelines, you will find people following your suggestions. Constructive Criticism When criticizing someone, get right to the point and tell him specifically what his undesirable behavior is. If you don't tell him exactly what he must work on, he may not be able to correct his behavior is, and making sure he understands why you are criticizing him, is the most important step in learning to criticize constructively. Criticize Only When Necessary If you criticize a person too much, the purpose behind your criticism will be lost. The effectiveness of your criticism may be weakened when it is overused, and the other person may begin to resent you if you don't give him time to change. Only criticize when you feel it is necessary. If there are several undesirable behaviors you want the other person to change, criticize only one at a time. Never Say "Never" Or "Always" Worlds like "never" and "always" tend to put people on the defensive when they're used to describe their behaviors. The word "always" gives people the impression that their faults are constantly noticed and more obvious than they actually are. "Usually" or "sometimes" are better words for describing people's Behaviors and shouldn't put them on the defensive. The word "Never" is often used in place of "seldom." There is a big difference between "seldom" and "never," and people will often resent the word "never" when it is used to describe their behaviors. People will always react less defensively to the words "usually" and "seldom." Don't Add Humor To Your Criticism It may be funny to you to joke about people's faults but people feel you are making fun of them when you do. If you don't criticize people's behaviors seriously, you can't expect them to consider seriously changing those behaviors. Comparison Can Create Resentment Comparing one person to another unfavorably will cause that person to resent you. Try not to make any type of comparison that will put a person down. Comparisons that make a person look good have the opposite effect. Comparisons such as, "You are the best person here," create good feelings between you and the other party. Criticize A Person At The Time Of The Act The best time criticize someone is right after the unfavorable act is committed. If you are unable to correct a person's actions as they are committed, do so later when you're alone with that person and you can discuss the situation openly. Begin With Sincere Praise And Admiration Everyone needs recognition of their strong points, as well as criticism of their faults. Begin your criticism by defining a person's strengths. Let him know how he pleases you and how much his actions mean to you. Then tell him that despite his strong points, there is one behavior you think he ought to change. After discussing his unfavorable behavior, end the conversation with more praise and admiration for his strengths. Give A Person Expectations To Live Up To, Not A Reputation To Live Down Always give people expectations to live up to, not negative reputations to live down. This is an excellent way to motivate people to work for you. Give people standards to work up to. Establish high standards, and they will work up to them. Constructively tell people what you know they can achieve. Your confidence in them increases their confidence in themselves. The expectations you place on others will be realized by them. If you tell someone what you want him to do and then say, "I don't know if you can do it," he probably won't do it. If you tell him, "I know you can do it," he will live up to your expectations. Here are some phrases you can use: "I know I can count on you to do well because...", "I know you can do a great job because you are so good at what you do." An expectation with praise works wonderfully. Don't Get Angry Other people don't frustrate and anger you, you do that to yourself. Losing your temper with another person will always hurt you, not him. Anger and frustration will never solve your problems, reasoning and logic will. Don't let personal feeling and resentment get in your way. Point Out A Person's Mistakes Indirectly Don't point a finger at anyone or openly blame anyone for making a mistake. Use vague questions to get the other person to tell you what has happened and what they have done. This alleviates any resentment they would feel if accusations were made incorrectly. Don't make remarks about personal abilities, intelligence, etc., even if the mistake was caused by the other person. The technique for constructive questioning is covered in a previous chapter. Listen To The Other Person's Story With a few good questions, the other person will tell you everything you want to know. As the person is telling you his side of the story, he will also realize what he has done. He will be able to uncover the true cause for his mistakes. Once you and he understand the true cause, a remedy can be sought. Know Exactly What You Are Dealing With Try to find out as much as you can about the situation. If you are at fault, the other person may not know how to tell you. The only way you will be able to solve a problem is if you know exactly what has happened. Ask yourself questions, and see if you can answer them. Put yourself in the other person's position and visualize the situation from his point of view. Look at all of the facts carefully and objectively. Tell The Other Person What He Must Hear Don't tell the other person what he wants to hear, tell him what he must hear. If you think he should be told something, tell him. When you tell someone what he must hear, tell it to him in a positive, constructive way so that he will benefit from your honesty. Admit Your Mistakes When you admit your own mistakes, people more readily accept you pointing out their errors. Telling others that you have made the same mistakes they have, and that you will help them by showing them how you remedied similar situations, makes them feel better about their own lot. Tell them, "I've made that same mistake many times, I know how it feels. I'll show you how I solved the same problem." Make Them See The Problem Without Pointing The Finger You don't have to point a finger at someone to get a problem solved. Have a conference with the person with whom you are experiencing problems. Tell him your problem without mentioning any names or specifically saying who you are talking about. This type of criticism is so indirect that, in many cases it alone solves the problem. It causes the other person to realize the problem and solve it for you. How To Punish You must only punish people to a degree relative to the wrongdoing. If you go overboard, people you punish will resent you. If you don't punish people for the wrong they do you, they will take advantage of you. The best way to punish someone is to have the other person set the punishment. Ask the other person what should be done to him because of what he has done. Most of the time, the person will give himself a more severe punishment that you would have. In this case, lower the sentence. He will look upon you favorably for it. If a person names a punishment for himself that is too weak to suit his wrongdoing, say "I'm sorry, but that is not what I had in mind. I think that... is fair." End Your Criticism With Praise And Admiration It is important for a person to know that you are criticizing him to help him. You must restore his self-esteem. When you've finished your criticism, tell him how much you appreciate his strong points. Improving Other People's Actions People increase or decrease their actions depending upon how others react to them. Praise is a strong reward. The best way to get people to do what you want them to is to praise them for their progress. By rewarding them with praise for their improvements, you will get better results from them. Criticize Again, If Necessary You may have to speak to a person more than once if there has been very little improvement in his behavior. If you speak to him a second time, you must be harder on him. If you have to speak to him more that two or three times, you must review your criticizing skills. Again, be sure that you don't criticize a person for a behavior that he cannot change. HOW TO DEAL WITH USELESS CRITICISM Some criticism is in poor taste. We must often deal with unconstructive criticism, such as, "You look terrible today," or "You don't know anything, you idiot." Don't let this type of criticism bother you. When you find yourself faced with such useless criticism, follow these step: Agree With The Facts Carefully evaluate the criticism the other person presents you with, and be sure to agree with him on the facts. In the above examples you could reply., "I haven't been feeling too well lately," and "No, I don't know much about this subject." When you respond to the other person, answer only to what he actually says, not what he implies. Answer The Criticism Stay calm and collected throughout the conversation. Don't lose you temper. The only way you will feel degraded is if you take criticism personally, and not constructively. Don't waste his time and your emotions by reading more into his criticism than is actually stated. By accepting criticism constructively, not personally, you won't need to defend your pride or attack the other person. Accept Your Mistakes If you make a mistake accept it, but don't feel guilty. If you are in error, apologize sincerely and take any actions necessary to remedy the situation. If you do this, there is no reason for a teary, dramatic apology. Such scenes will only embarrass you more and make the other person feel uncomfortable as well. HOW TO GAIN THE MOST FROM CRITICISM When you get constructive criticism, try to gain the most from it. Constructive criticism is one of the best ways to mold yourself into a better person. The following steps will show you how to get the most from constructive criticism. Ask For Feedback Find out exactly what others object to about you. If someone tells you that he doesn't like your behavior, find out exactly what he doesn't like about it. Be very persistent, and insist that he be explicit in his criticism. Ask the other person what you can do to change the objectionable action in the future. Vague criticism is worthless to you. Use Deduction To Find Your Faults If a person criticizes you vaguely, but can't bring himself to tell you explicitly what he disapproves of, then consider faults that others have criticized you for in the past. Often, the same faults will displease different people. This may be the only way to find out what displeases the other person. Don't Be Defensive If you act defensively, you will not be able to benefit from constructive criticism. Don't be sarcastic or hostile toward the other person. Remember that the other person is criticizing you so that you can better yourself and your relationship with him. HOW TO MEET PEOPLE AND MAKE FRIENDS People enjoy the company of others, and everyone wants to meet people with whom they can have close and lasting friendships. Here are some steps to follow if you want to become more successful at meeting and making friends: Introduce Yourself Let your prospect know who he is dealing with. Visualize him as a friendly, considerate and kind person. Give him information that will make him receptive to you. Make the information benefit-oriented for him. Try phrases like, "I really like that dress on you, it brings out your blue eyes," or, "I overheard what you were saying, and I was really fascinated by how much you know about..." Ask Leading Questions Ask the person you are talking to a leading question. A leading question is one that provokes more of a response than a mere "yes or "no" Here are some examples: "Do you attend a lot of these charity balls?"; "How do you know the host?"; "Do you work downtown, too? What do you do?" The other person's responses to these leading questions will let you know if he is interested in you or not. If you try to sell yourself to the person immediately, you will get resistance. If you push too hard or don't ask your leading questions with true interest and sincerity, you will get negative answers, and the conversation may quickly come to an end. Try to make the person feel that you want his consent to expand on an idea that may be of interest to him. What you actually want is his consent to get to know him better. If the other person shows interest in you and begins to communicate with you, feel free to go a step further. Open Yourself Up Once the person opens up to you, you can begin to open yourself up to him. You have his attention, and he is interested in you. Once you feel comfortable in his presence, tell him your strongest attributes are, the ones that will appeal to him most. If you get a positive response, you have successfully sold yourself to him. At this point, you can feel free to further develop your new friendship. If the person is unresponsive, it may be that you sound pompous and boastful to him. In this case, you should lower your volume a bit and sound as humble and sincere as possible. How To Handle Negative Feedback Be prepared for some objections from the other person in the course of your conversation. Respond to each of his objections and try to agree with some part of them. Don't linger or argue over an objection, accept the other person's point of view without forcing yours upon him. Make sure that his objection is legitimate, not just an argumentative contest. First, agree that you understand the other person's objection. Then ask the other person if there are any other reasons for objecting to your underlying reasons for his objections. For example, "Yes, I can see why you feel that way, but I feel that..." Winning The Battle The final part is the easiest part of your whole selling approach. At this point, give the other person a choice. Don't give him a choice of whether to take you on or not, give him a choice of how to take you on. "Do you have a pen, or would you like to use mine to write down your phone number?" Instead of saying, "Do you want to go out with me?" say, "Would you rather go to a movie or out dancing?" After you have gotten the other person to make some kind of commitment, summarize the proposition and reward the other person for accepting. An example of that is: "Thanks for giving me your phone number. I'm really looking forward to Saturday night." CONCLUSION Getting along better with others is a matter of choice. Follow the principles outlined in this report and you will become a more influential person. Not only will people be happy with you, but you will be happy with yourself. Your choice to become a new person will be one of the best you'll ever make. HOW TO REBUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AFTER A DIVORCE Copyright 1983 by Vibar Marketing International. All Rights Reserved. No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other means, without the express written permission of the author or publisher. Your self-esteem - what you think of yourself in relation to other people - is the basic secret of your success or failure in life. It's really as simple as that... Think well of yourself, and you'll do well. Think disparagingly of yourself, and you'll probably not do very well at all . Regardless of whether you're the perpetrator or the victim, the experience of going through a divorce is going to damage your self-esteem. In fact, the blow dealt to one's self-esteem by divorce is lethal enough to drive anyone to the brink of insanity. What you must do is think of your divorce - the end of your marriage - as you would the death of a loved one. Basically, that's what it is! There is a period of burial or of letting go; a period of feeling guilty because you didn't do or say all the things you might have; a period of anger because it didn't work out the way you dreamed it would; a period of reconciliation in which you think maybe if you try again, it'll all work out; and finally, a period of acceptance. Everyone who has ever been through a divorce or is still recovering from one, has either lived through each of these "recovery stages," or is still in one of them. It's all normal, and a part of the necessary healing that has to take place before you are able to recognize and enjoy happiness again. Even so, the most important and the very first thing you must do following the break-up of any kind of relationship, is to get started on the rebuilding of your self-esteem. This means that you have to accept the fact that neither you or anyone else is perfect - determine that you will learn from your mistakes - and that you will become whatever it is you aspire to be... Immediately, do something that makes you feel good - something you've been wanting to do for some time - or always wanted to do. This could be getting a new hair-do, buying a new suit, enrolling in a special self-improvement course, starting a business, or even taking an extended vacation. You musn't lock yourself in your house or apartment. You musn't be afraid to get out and associate with people. You musn't stop wanting to enjoy life! You may have to force yourself, but you must "forget" about mourning your loss and continue on with your life. You must go on with your life with a stronger determination than ever, to be the person you want to be. Don't "beat yourself over the head" with feelings of guilt. Get rid of your anger as quickly as possible. Forget about the past. Get on with the rest of your life without delay! Revitalize those ambitions that have been "hidden away" in the back of your mind, and consider this particular time in your life as an opportunity for a new start. Do some introspection relative to what it is you want out of life; reorganize your time and efforts to attain those objectives; and go for it with all you've got! After all has been said and done, the kind of person you are and how you get along in the world you live in, is up to you. The most powerful assistance for attaining happiness anyone has, is in what he or she says, feels, and believes about himself or herself. When things are not quite right, the first thing that needs to be changed is your disposition - your attitude, feelings towards other people, and your emotional responses. Think about your facial expressions and the tone of your voice when you're talking with other people. Being aware of these things with consideration towards other people, will "bring you out of your-self" and allow other people to want to know more about you. You have to forget about, and let go of, the past. Anything and everything that happened yesterday is long gone and cannot be changed. You have the rest of your life from this moment on, to achieve love - happiness - fame and fortune. Whatever it is you want in life can be yours. All that's necessary to make any dream come true is a true understanding of what you want, and determination on your part to make it all happen according to your plan. Think about what you want - prepare yourself to get it - focus your efforts on the fulfillment of your ambitions - and there's nothing that can stop you from total realization! So, the first thing relative to rebuilding one's self-esteem - following a divorce, or the loss of a loved one by any circumstances - is to understand why you hurt, and what is necessary in order to be happy again. It essential that you think of YOURSELF in terms of the kind of life you want for yourself; know that you can have it all because you've laid the foundation, done your homework, and you're on a positive road towards achievement; and then get busy "making tracks" in that direction. In simple terms - it hurts, but you're not dead - you're only wasting time thinking about or rehashing the past because there's no way anything that happened yesterday or the day before can be changed - so quickly pick up the pieces, and get on with your life! Wanting to "get well," and/or to "make something out of your life," is half the battle! HOW TO REORGANIZE FOR HAPPINESS AFTER A DIVORCE Copyright 1983 by Vibar Marketing International. All Rights Reserved. No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other means, without the express written permission of the author or publisher. The big thing about going through the experience of a divorce is that it leaves you completely worn out and drained of desire to go on with your life. Typically, divorces shatter the hopes and dreams - the ambitions - of both parties involved. Most of the time, the one who's been victimized feels that he or she has no more purpose or inspiration for achievement. He or she feels that whatever they do, it won't matter to the person they most wanted to do for, so what does it matter what they do with themselves. This is the wrong kind of thinking! You musn't let yourself think along these lines! Divorce is terribly hard and an emotional blow that's difficult to recover from, but it should not be "taken" as the end of everything. You have to accept it as the end of one period or chapter of your life; look at it as an opportunity for a new beginning, and build a better you from there. Above all else, don't panic. If you panic, you can't think, and in order to make any progress in life, you've got to think. Don't get dramatic and over dramatize your woes either in your imagination or in words - spoken or written. If your immediate situation seems overwhelming and you're unable to see how you'll ever make it through the next week, don't start crying and feeling sorry for yourself - it will only bog you down with the inability to think clearly. Don't allow yourself to engage in post-mortems and/or nurse regrets. It's important that you forget about the past - let it rest - there's nothing you can do to change it - accept your situation as it is, and build your life to what you want it to be from this moment onward. One of the most important things for you to do is to list on paper exactly, your present situation and then, one at a time, list your options and possible solutions to each problem. Don't worry about finding a solution for everything all at once; just try to see clearly what your next step ought to be. Always ask yourself what the right course is - remembering that if what you do isn't right, then it's wrong; and no wrong action ever works out right. It's imperative that you understand the emotional injury of your situation, but at the same time, it's also imperative that you not stand still. In other words, you must quickly - without delay - regain control of your life and get on with the attainment of all your ambitions. You do this by expunging the past, taking stock of your present situation, and making plans for the rest of your life - by deciding what you want out of life and how you intend to get what you want. Do it on paper and set realistic goals for yourself, as well as dates for attainment. Happiness in life is a feeling of inner satisfaction you feel when you enjoy whatever you do - your work, your leisure time activities, the people you associate with, and acceptance by the people you most to impress... It doesn't come from harboring grudges - from attempting to be something you're not - from expecting the world and/or the people around you to cater to your problems or desires - or from your position or status in life... Indeed, happiness comes from your association and inner-action with other people. Thus, following a divorce, you must immediately begin mingling with other people and not only be empathetic relative to ways in which you can help them, but also interested in them as people. The more you reach out to help others, the more help you'll receive in return; and at the bottom line, the greater your own personal happiness. So, in order to attain happiness after a painful divorce - you must "close the book" on everything in the past; take stock of your present situation; lay out a "game plan" for what kind of life you want; start moving in a positive direction to achieve your ambitions; and even if you have to force yourself, make new friends and enjoy yourself. Don't go around sizing up or evaluating every man or woman you meet as a possible candidate for your next marriage - get on with your life - do what you have to do to attain your ambitions - inter-mingle with people and be a real friend - give yourself and other people a chance - and when the time is right, love will find you again. You musn't go looking for happiness or love for as surely as you do; you'll never find it. You must be satisfied with yourself as a person - whatever it is you're doing, you're doing your best; attempting to always improve yourself; and you're moving in a positive direction towards the fulfillment of the kind of person you want to be - and, you enjoy mingling with people; talking with them; helping them; and doing things with them. Remember, to attain success in life you have to know what it is you want and how to get there. Once you're on a positive road towards the attainment of success, you'll find that it will come easily and quickly. With a positive direction in life, you'll feel better about yourself and associating with other people as a friend will come about automatically. You'll no longer think about the world or other people as threatening - in fact, you'll enjoy being alive and the dawning of each new day - and that's when you will really be happy. Again, it's a matter of getting on with your life - of forgetting about the past and moving positively towards the things that you want in life. Give in to the hurt you feel and you'll surely waste away - Consider this a new start in life and it can all be yours - whatever you do, the choice is yours... HOW AND WHERE TO MEET ELIGIBLE MEN Copyright 1983 by Vibar Marketing International. All Rights Reserved. No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other means, without the express written permission of the author or publisher. So you're a woman looking for a man... First off, you have to "know" what kind of man you're looking for, and then go wherever it is you'll most likely find that kind of man... What kind of man are you looking for? It's a new world we live in, and believe it or not, you can find whatever kind of man it is you want! If you're looking for a husband, a meal ticket, a sugar-daddy, a lover, a father, or a companion - there's a man out there for you. The problem is, of course, to find the man that has enough of "all the things you want in a man" to satisfy you. There are lots of eligible men available, and with just a little bit of intelligence, there's no honest reason why any woman wanting a man cannot find the man of her choice. The thing is, as mentioned already - you've got to know what kind of man you want, and where you'll most likely find him - and then, reach for him. Men are just like women - they want a woman they can belong to, and call their own. People have to interact with other people in order to maintain a healthy equilibrium; and men have to interact with women on a personal basis in order to go on living. These are undeniable facts relative to the nature of human beings. Most men have the same kind of shyness, inhibitions, and fears of rejection that women have - the only difference being that the male of our species has been trying to cope with these feelings in regards to meeting women, a lot longer than women have in regard to meeting men. But it's a new world - there's a lot more women out looking for men - and a lot of men seem to be caught up in their own problems, and unaware of the eligible women around that might like to become acquainted with them. Thus, it's now necessary for a woman to make the first move when she spots a man that interests her and he doesn't make that first move. What we're saying is simply this: Nowadays, whenever and wherever you spot a man that you'd like to get to know, and for whatever reasons, he doesn't seem to notice you, for sure, you should make that first move towards becoming acquainted. Say you're at a dance and you spot a man that interests you, by all means don't be hesitant to walk over and ask him if he'd like to dance with you. Or should you be having coffee somewhere and you spot a special man, simply tell him that you don't like being alone and would he like to join you. Really, there's honestly nothing out-of-line or brazen about spotting a man that interests you, walking up to him, and telling him you find him appealing enough that you'd like to find out more about him. Most men will be flattered by your attentions, and if they are the kind of man you "sized" them up to be, they'll appreciate your breaking the ice for them. One other thing to understand - women are almost always "looking for" men while most men are where they are, doing what they are doing, for any one of a million different reasons. In essence, you meet eligible men by frequenting the places you're most-likely to find the kind of man you want to meet. You have to make yourself available. Then too, if you spot a man you think might be one that you'd like to get to know better and he doesn't make the first move towards the two of you becoming acquainted, you should make that first move. It's as simple as that. In most instances, the same fear and shyness - maybe even embarrassment - you're feeling, is haunting the man, and unless one of you makes that first move, another opportunity will have slipped through your fingers. Don't be afraid to walk right up to a man and tell him: You look as though you're all alone - do you want to talk for a minute or two... We know of some women looking for men, perhaps because of an inability to just walk up to a man and start talking or maybe just because they have a flair for innovative approaches to the idea, have had business cards printed up, and hand them out to the men they see that look interesting to them. The wording on the one that most appealed to us was as follows: Hello there... Please forgive my intrusion, but you strike me as someone I should know. My name is Mary Anderson, and if you've got a spare minute or two, you might give me a call at 123-4567... You've got to have it firmly in your mind, the kind of man you want to meet. Then you've got to make yourself available in the kind of places that kind of man is most-likely to frequent. Most assuredly, when you search for such a man, you should look, dress, and act according to what you feel will most appeal to that type of man. All men notice a woman who looks good, so you should do whatever is necessary to bring out your best features - a little make-up in the right places, a new hairstyle, a few figure-flattering clothes - and the kind of conduct that you feel will appeal to your kind of man. Now then, the easiest and surest way of meeting eligible men is through the social activities of your local "singles" club such as Parents Without Partners, Singles International, and Servetus. Most such groups sponsor regular dances, dinner parties, rap sessions, and any number of other activities designed to bring divorced and/or single people together. Lonely Hearts Correspondence Clubs are okay, but then.. meeting someone via correspondence, and learning to love them as result of what they write in their letters to you, is sometimes disappointing and a hard situation to get out of when you finally do meet them face-to-face. Most of the Date-A-Mate services are okay, particularly those that employ video tape interviews, but the prices you pay for their introductions are beyond reason. Generally, the success rate of these services - that of matching you with a man that you end marrying, and staying married to him - is less than 10-percent. Some of them are just glorified "dating or escort" services. Attending church in search of an eligible man sometimes works out, especially if the church sponsors dances, parties and group outings. However, there's not as many eligible men going to church in search of eligible women these days as there used to be. If you have an outgoing personality and enjoy the whole scene, you can generally find lots of eligible men in the bars and taverns. The thing is, you have to "find" the bars or taverns that are frequented by the age group and kind of men that meet your needs. You'll find a lot of "more financially secure" men in the better "motor inn" and hotel bars. About all you have to do is drop by and join in all the action when there's a convention or gathering of people from out of town in one of these places. It's then that you'll find many of the "local eligibles" out on the town, plus of course a lot of men from out of town who are looking for women. In this kind of situation, most of the man will make the first move and once you become acquainted, they won't be in any big hurry to make any real commitments. To find the action - where there's sure to be lots of eligible men - look in your local newspaper... Look for advertisements announcing square dances, neighborhood picnics, travel tours, and of course, festivals or similar special events. When you go to one of these activities, you've got to mingle with the people there, keep your eyes open for a man that may be the one you're looking for, and then - do your thing to become acquainted with him. Once you spot a man you'd like to become acquainted with, it's basically all up to you whether you do or don't. Another one of the surest places of meeting eligible men is in the evening classes at your local colleges. If you're not familiar with their services, just give the college office a call and ask them to put you on their mailing list for bulletins and notices of up-coming classes being offered. Most colleges are now offering any number of seminars, classes and even short courses designed to help people rebuilding their lives after a divorce. These classes are always well-attended, and those that attend are eligible. One of the best ways of meeting new friends while improving yourself. Finally, and by all means, enlist the help of your friend and co-workers in helping you to meet new men. Tell them you'll be happy to come to their parties if they'll invite some of the eligible men they or their friends know. And then, you should have few parties, invite your friends and ask them to bring along or invite some of their unattached male friends. Work is generally an easy place to become acquainted with eligible men, but there are any number of risks involved - such as those that are already married. The important thing is to make your self available - know what kind of man you want - and then do what is necessary to meet him. HOW AND WHERE TO MEET ELIGIBLE WOMEN Copyright 1983 by Vibar Marketing International. All Rights Reserved. No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other means, without the express written permission of the author or publisher. A lot of guys will undoubtedly dispute this, but really - there are more eligible women running around loose today than there are men! In fact, all you've got to do to prove it to yourself is to take a look at the latest census figures relative to the number of men versus women in this country. We're talking about unmarried women between the ages of 18 and 60... Believe it! There are more women than men available! In other words, there's at least one woman for every man that's looking for a woman. It's a part of human nature for people to want to belong to someone of the opposite sex, and to have someone of the opposite sex they even think of as belonging to them. The human equilibrium cannot operate for long without inner-action with other people, and for total health/adjustment in the world we live in, not without inner-action with someone of the opposite sex. Perhaps because of the "women's liberation movement", the recent recessions and high unemployment problems, the way the current generation was brought up expecting everything all at once, the increasing dependence upon drugs to give us pep or sooth our nerves, and at least a dozen other reasons - the number of women ending their marriages with divorce are out of hand... Indeed, the latest figures on the number of divorces filed within the past six months show that one out of every two marriages are falling apart! This is putting a lot of women in the marketplace, all of them looking for men. They may claim that they "hate" men and that they don't care if they ever see, talk to, or associate with men again - but that's all "madness" relative to their divorces. At the bottom line, every woman that has ever walked the face of this old earth has or does want a man to call her own! So, if you're a man and you're out looking for a woman. - One of the first things you should get straight in your own mind is what do you want a woman for, how long do you want her, and from there, what kind of woman will it take to satisfy your needs Your needs will vary with your moods, your financial situation, and your own lifestyle or mental adjustment to the world around you. Thus, when you meet an eligible woman that you think can satisfy your needs, it would behove you first to do a little bit "analytical reading" pertaining to her needs for a man. The more you can "find out" what she's looking for, and satisfy her needs, the easier it'll be for you to pick one that can satisfy your needs. In other words, if she's on a "heavy duty trip" into women's lib, and you want someone to move in with you to wash the dishes and make your bed, you're liable to be wasting your time even attempting to talk to this woman. On the other hand, if she's just recovering from a divorce and seems to be trying to prove to the world that she's the sexiest and best lover to come down the pike in a month of Sundays, and you're out looking for a one night stand, then this is probably the woman you should be trying to pick up on. What we're advocating and advising is simply this: The more, and faster you can "read'' what a woman is looking for, the faster and easier it's going to be for you meet the kinds of women you're looking for... For sure though, it's up to you to converse and/or appeal to any woman's wants if you want to make any headway with her. About meeting women, introducing yourself and becoming acquainted... You've got to understand, and believe it for a fact, that in this day and age, most women are almost always looking for an eligible man... Thus, when you see a woman that appeals to you at the bus stop, don't be afraid to say hello to her and attempt to strike up some sort of conversation. Women very rarely bite, and in these times, women are not prone to put a man down for being friendly. If you're looking for a woman, you've got to notice them anywhere and wherever you see them - and then, open your mouth - let them know that you'd like to get to know them! The easiest and surest way of meeting eligible women is through the social activities of your local "singles" clubs, such as Parents Without Partners, Singles International, and Servetus. Most such groups sponsor regular dances, dinner parties, rap sessions, and any number of other activities designed to bring divorced and/or single people together. Lonely Hearts Correspondence Clubs are okay, but in many of them you'll find the memberships inundated by women trying to sell you something or with some sort of designs to deal you out of your money. Then too, meeting someone via correspondence - learning to love them as a result of what they write in their letters to you - is sometimes disappointing and a hard situation to get out of, when you finally do meet in person. Most of the Date-A-Mate services are okay, particularly those that employ video tape interviews, but the prices you pay for their introductions are outlandish. Generally, the success rate of these services - that of matching you with a woman that you end up marrying, and staying married to her - is less than 10-percent. Some of them are just glorified "dating or escort" services. Attending church in search of an eligible woman sometimes works out - especially if the church sponsors dances, parties and group outings - but in many instances, you'll find that these church-going singles are either religious fanatics or neurotics. The religious fanatic is a woman to run away from, as far as and as fast as you can, unless you're on a heavy duty religious trip yourself. As for the neurotics, they're generally hung-up with guilt, anger, or martyrdom from previous experiences with men. With a "swinging" personality, you can generally score well in the bars and taverns. The thing is, you have to "find" the bars or taverns that are frequented by the age group and kind of women that meet your needs. You'll find that the "higher class" women frequent the "motor inn" and hotel bars. About all you have to do is drop by and join in all the action when there's a convention or ing of people from out of town in one of these places. It's then that you'll find many of the "local eligibles" out on the town, plus of course a lot of women from out of town who are looking for men. In this kind of situation, most of the women are easy to pick up on, and most of them are in no big hurry to make any real commitments. To find the action - where there's sure to be lots of eligible women looking for men - look in your local paper... Look for advertisements announcing square dances, neighborhood picnics, travel tours, and of course, festivals or similar special events. When you go to one of these activities, you've got to mingle with people there - keep your eyes open for a woman that may be the one you're looking for - and then, do your thing to become acquainted with her. Remember, once you spot a woman you'd like to get to know, it's all up to you whether you become acquainted or let her slip through your fingers. Another one of the surest places of meeting eligible women is the evening classes at your local colleges. If you're not familiar with their services, just give the college office a call and ask them to put you on their mailing list for bulletins and notices of up-coming classes being offered. Most colleges are now offering any number of seminars, classes and even short courses designed to help people rebuilding their lives after a divorce. These sessions are almost always "filled to capacity" with the majority of those attending, recently divorced women! By the same token, for whatever reason, most divorced women return to college to either finish their education or to take some special course that will give them some sort of edge in finding work. Check it out for yourself - it's almost a phenomena the way divorced women are flocking back to college. Finally, and if you have the time for it, you'll find an unlimited supply of eligible women in the cafeterias of just about any large office building, particularly government office buildings. What you do is drop in and have lunch - become a regular - look the scene over and "reach out" for one that appeals to you. Remember, spotting a woman you'd like to have is no big deal - The important thing is forget your shyness, inhibitions, and fears of rejections - Just walk right up to her and say something like: Hello, I think I'd like to get to know you - could we talk for a minute or too? Try it! You'll be pleasantly surprised with the results! After all, the women are wanting to meet you just as badly as you want to meet them! A MAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVE A DIVORCE Copyright 1983 by Vibar Marketing International. All Rights Reserved. No part of this report may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other means, without the express written permission of the author or publisher. There is no greater emotional pain that can be inflicted upon a man than the announcement by his wife that she wants a divorce. Even if both parties have "seen it coming" for some time, and the announcement really comes as no big surprise, the actual announcement is quite similar to a bomb exploding in your face. Such an announcement is "out-in-the-open" admission that the person you held hands with so many years ago, and promised to love - honor - and obey - to be supportive of, to stand beside in good times and bad -through sickness and health - for richer or poorer - no longer wants you or your love. You have been rejected, and such a blow to a man's emotional equilibrium is just about the most damaging illness you'll ever have to face in your lifetime. Be that as it may, it is of the utmost importance that when such a pain descends upon you, you realize that you can recover - that you will recover - and that this is in reality, an opportunity for you to attain real and total happiness according to your own standards. It will be hard, in fact, it will probably be just about the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life, but you must immediately and absolutely turn the page on that chapter of your life. You must quickly and absolutely sever all ties with that person - the one that has inflicted this pain upon you. Get them out of your house. Get rid of all things that remind you of them. Change your phone number. If necessary, move into a new home or apartment. You must put an immediate end to your marriage. Once a woman has announced to you that she no longer wants you for a husband, you have to start thinking about your own survival. It's going to be similar to losing a vital part of your body, but you must let go, and the sooner you do let go - completely end that chapter of your life - the sooner you'll be able to set about rebuilding your life and ultimately finding the happiness you want. Between the time that your wife announces the end of the marriage, and the time when you'll find new happiness, you're going to hurt like you've never dreamed possible. You're going to go through a number of mental and emotional phases - all of which are perfectly normal and necessary in order for you to "heal yourself" of this great hurt. You'll never be able to enjoy love or attain true happiness until you have discharged the past from your system, and healed yourself. Think of all you're going through as a wound similar to a gash on your arm or leg. It's going to hurt, and you're going to bleed, but with the proper care and time, you will recover. You must understand that divorce is quite common - you're not alone nor going through anything that a lot of other people haven't experienced - and that in order to "get well," you must understand the nature of the wound, what to do in order to heal it, and as much about the pre-requisites to total recovery as possible. At first, you'll probably deny that this is happening to you. You may pretend that it's just a bad dream or some sort of bad joke she's pulling on you. This type of thinking is normal, but it only prolongs the agony of your hurt. You must face the reality of the situation - accept the fact that your marriage is over - and get on with the task of finding happiness for yourself, immediately. You'll probably lay awake in bed at night and review "every minute" of your marriage - thinking that in this or that circumstance, you could've been a better husband, and from there beg for another chance. You'll want to accept full responsibility - at least a big share of the guilt - for the problems that caused the break-up of your marriage. These thoughts are only natural, but they cannot put your marriage back together, and any attempts to "try one more time," at this stage will only cause you greater pain. You must accept the fact that your marriage is over, and busy your mind and yourself, with activities that don't allow you time to "rehash" the events of the past. Don't allow yourself to dwell upon guilt feelings. It takes two people to make a marriage, and marriages come apart because of the differences in the two people involved. No one is perfect, and happiness in life is a matter of learning from our mistakes. Accept your own short-comings; vow that you will profit from what you've experienced; and then get on with your life. You'll never be comfortable with yourself, nor find real happiness so long as you're dragging "guilt feelings from your past around with you. Somewhere along the way, you'll become so angry with your ex-wife - the world - and even God, that you'll be beyond yourself in your ability to express it all. It will be necessary that you express this anger - to get it all out of your system - before you'll be able to "feel good" around women again. Anger is the process of projecting onto another person, your own sense of hurt and frustration. It's such a volatile and all-consuming emotion that unless you give it an outlet, it will literally eat you alive. The thing to do is to understand your anger, and manage it in a manner that will benefit you - in such a way that your expression of it is constructive to your regaining your emotional health. A few things you might think about doing: Write out for your kids, the complete story of your marriage, how you met, your dreams and hopes, the good and the bad, the sacrifices each of you made, and how -beyond either of your capabilities to control - the marriage just came to an end... Write out in precise detail what is making you angry, and why. Put it in letter form to your ex-wife and really tell her everything that has been, and is bothering you... Let her know that you are a person with wants and needs too... Stand in front of a mirror and "rehearse" an angry confrontation with your ex-wife and/or anyone else involved. Make an appointment with your priest or minister; or find a friend who'll listen as you explain the frustration, hurt and futility you feel. Regardless of how you do it, it is an absolute necessity that you let it all out. This anger and bitterness you feel is like a poison that you must cleanse from your soul. The sooner you get rid of it, the sooner you'll be able to get on with your life - regain your mental health and position yourself for happiness. Finally, there'll come a day when you'll no longer be bothered by thoughts of your ex-wife. It won't even bother you when you see her with another man, and that'll be the day when you've finally accepted the fact that you marriage to her is really over. You will have truly let go of her, and will be ready for a new try at real happiness. Your progress from being rejected by your wife, to acceptance of the fact that you don't want her if she doesn't want you, and positioning yourself for a second chance, won't come easily. In fact, it will take you about two and a half to three years. You must understand the damage you've sustained, the healing that's required, and the time it's going to take to get well. Too often, men still in the recovery stages of a divorce, jump into a new marriage before they're ready. And when the "bomb explodes" the second time, the trauma is more painful and the recovery even harder than the first time. It's imperative that you "cut yourself off" from you wife as quickly as possible. It's just as imperative that you immediately set about analyzing what it is you want out of life, what you need to do in order to get what it is you want, and then take the necessary steps towards achieving whatever it is you want. First, you have to KNOW what it is you want. Then, you have to know what you HAVE TO DO in order to get what it is you want. And finally, you have to START MOVING in the necessary direction to end up with what you want. In other words, if you don't know what you want, nor how to get it, you'll be without purpose or direction in life. This is ''goal-setting," and unless you set goals for yourself, you'll just be allowing yourself to be pushed through life by whatever happens next. Use this "terrible time in your life" as a time for introspection and a new start. think about yourself, and start taking the "baby-steps" necessary to making you proud of yourself. Stop mourning the loss of your marriage; pick yourself up, and determine within yourself that you're on your way to bigger and better things - total happiness and love! Rebuilding your self-esteem - your ego and how good you feel about yourself - is one of the first steps you must take. There are many ways to move in this direction... You might buy a new suit; paint the inside of your home; take a trip to someplace you've always wanted to visit; go to see a special movie or any number of other things. The important thing is that you do something that makes you feel good. From there, comes the introspection of where you are, and what you're going to have to do in order to survive. Plan it all out on paper, and then do what you have to do in order to make it come out as you've planned. Most important - don't be afraid of making mistakes or of "falling down" once or twice along the way. It's just as if you were eighteen year old again, and just beginning a life on your own. It's like when a baby learns to walk - he's going to stumble or fall a couple of times, but by continuing to try, he eventually not only walks but finds he can run as well. So it is in rebuilding your life after a divorce. It'll be hard, but the sooner you start dating, the easier it'll be for you to regain your emotional well being. At first, even though you have to force yourself, you should just go out and associate with other people. See for yourself that other people don't "immediately recognize you" as a divorced man - a loser, or a failure. In the course of recovering from a painful divorce, it's not unusual for a man to go through a number of brief sexual affairs. With some, there's a flurry of sexual activity - followed by periods of celibacy - and maybe a "special steady" for awhile. This kind of activity is really sometimes necessary, and definitely a part of the healing process as some men rebuild their self-esteem. Almost all people who have gone through a divorce, go through at least one transitional partner during their healing process. This is a person that seems to be the answer to all your dreams - they're the "special girlfriends" that ease a divorced man through the trauma - they're good for them; they listen to them; they're sensitive to their needs but never demanding; and they fulfill their sexual hunger. It's great to "find and use" such a transitional partner, but be aware of your own situation and their usefulness to you, and don't allow yourself to end up marrying them. You may care about them a great deal, and feel sure that they're the answer to all your dreams - that they have all the love you could ever ask for - but don't marry them - what you're feeling is only the peace of an oasis in the middle of a desert. And don't feel badly when eventually you break off such a relationship. Some people are born to nurture others back to good health, and seeing you on your feet again, and on your way to real happiness is the only reward these people really want. Then too, who's to say that you won't someday be a transitional partner for someone who's hurting just as you once did... Finally, there's the problems of boredom and loneliness. In order to eliminate boredom and loneliness from your life, you must first understand that both of these problems are self-induced. That is, if you are bored or lonely, it's because you are allowing yourself to be... Boredom is generally a form of emotional anethesia brought about by the person who is bored, because he doesn't want to experience his own feelings. It's also a form of mental laziness which keeps people from changing and growing. The bottom line is simply that people are accountable for their own boredom, and - if you feel bored, then you had better remember that boredom breeds even more boredom. Whenever you think of yourself as being bored, get involved in something. Don't allow yourself to sit and do nothing. Write letters to relatives or friends. Clean your garage or visit a neighbor. Get out and spruce up your yard or take a drive and see what changes have taken place in and around the area in which you live. Join up with a Singles social club and attend some of their functions; enroll in a self-improvement course or two; visit a trade show and find out about some of the new products being offered for sale. To alleviate boredom, you have to do something that might stimulate your interest. Thus, if you don't want to do anything other than what you've been doing - if you're waiting for a bolt of lightning to spark your interest in something - you'll continue to be bored. Loneliness is basically a different form of boredom. A person feels lonely when they can't think of anything they want to do, and thus, they begin feeling sorry for themselves because no one cares about them. In order not to be lonely, you have to start thinking of things you might enjoy doing with other people, and then invite other people to join you in doing those kinds of things. Really, it's just as simple as that - take a trip to one of your shopping malls with a friend and do some window-shopping; meet a friend for lunch or dinner at a new restaurant; or invite a friend to join you to see a move, a play, or even a concert. So long as you shut yourself away from other people, and do not get out into the world amongst people, you will be lonely. To be happy, enjoy life, and know love, you have to make yourself available to other people. To recover from the trauma of divorce, you have to understand the injury - apply the proper medicine - allow enough time for the healing process to be completed - and all the while, be positive that tomorrow will be a happier day for you. It's a kind of recovery therapy that only you can apply and control - the results are up to you. HOW TO REBUILD YOUR LIFE AFTER A DIVORCE Suddenly you're single after years of marriage. This always results in a serious blow to the old ego of at least one of the persons involved. It's a traumatic experience - a time that's very difficult to live through - and a feeling that isn't easy to recover from - yet life does and must go on. When divorce occurs, and you feel as though your life has been shattered, the first thing you should do is start leading the life of a single person immediately! You should force yourself to make a date at least once a week. Start noticing other people, join in the activities of the singles crowd, and get back into the swing of things. Indeed, the sooner you start dating, even if it's only dinner with someone you work with, sooner the pain will subside. Basically, you should just out and not concern yourself with the "yes or no" possibilities of a sexual encounter. It's most important however that you don't expect too much of yourself too soon. Generallyy it takes about two years for the victim of a divorce to get over the hurt and for most of the scars to heal. Anyone thinking or believing they're ready for any kind of permanent relationship in less time, is probably living in a world of make believe and heading for a repeat of past mistakes. Numerous "brief" sexual encounters are the usual pattern of recently divorced persons. The are usually quite useful in rebuilding one's self-esteem. By the same token, extended periods of celibacy usually follow a couple of weeks or a month of feverish sexual activity. These times are also normal and useful in the overall healing process. Often-times older persons suddenly find that achievement makes them attractive to the opposite sex. Prestige and age are attractive, but in divorced persons, they are very often an aphrodisiac. The bottom line is simply that younger people often have "affairs" with those older than themselves, but usually, they want "permanent partners" closer to their own age. In otherwords, prestige and age will get you sex, but it will very seldom bring you love. As a newly divorced person, you'll probably experience several "transitional relationships." These are also a necessary part of your healing process, and though you may think you care a great deal about them at the time, it's best that you remember these are only temporary encounters with transitional partners. You needn't feel guilty about breaking off one of these relationships because you may very well be someone's transitional partner later on in your life. Your best opportunities for meeting new friends and possible marriage partners are within the normal course of business and social events. It's also generally within your best interests to join in the activities of a local Singles Organization such as Parents Without Partners or Singles International. Then too, you should ask your friends and co-workers to introduce you to people they know that you might enjoy. With your dates, you should avoid talking about your ex-spouse. If you feel you have to talk about your divorce, pick a special friend or attend some of the organized "rap sessions" for divorced persons in your area. You should also avoid introducing your dates or new friends too quickly to your children. Such introductions too quickly can have innumerable adverse effects on everyone concerned. You'l1 find that sexual freedom and less formal lifestyles have definitely changed the etiquette of dating over the last few decades. As an example, a man should not be surprised if after asking a woman out a few times, she asks him out. And a woman should not be hesitant to ask a man out for a backyard barbeque or even to a movie she'd like to see. Men should also realize that women make up their minds about sex more quickly these days than in years past. A woman of today generally isn't thought of as being a loose woman if she decides to sleep with a man on the first date. Much of the romance and magic of the traditional courtship game still works. Soft music, candlelight, and good food are still very much in vogue. Even the grand gesture of an evening on the town in style or a spur of the moment trip to the beach or to a hideaway in the mountains. Regardless of the pain, the bitterness, or exasperation, it's essential that you remember your children and continue to be a good parent. In fact, you should do all within your means to be a better parent than you may have been before the separation. This is because regardless of how they seem to be taking it, or what they do or don't show, divorce is more often than not harder on the children than on the parents. They usually become much more curious about your day-to-day routine, who you're seeing and your happiness. Just remember, time and people will cure all your ills, and you will be happy again! THE BASIC STEPS TO RECOVERING FROM A DIVORCE When you've been the "victim" of a divorce, the first thing you MUST UNDERSTAND and BEGIN BELIEVING is that YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF IT- Regardless of how badly you feel, you must realize that it has happened to millions of people before you; it is happening to countless people every day; and it will continue to happen to millions of people so long as there is love, marriage and divorce. Although you may never have felt such pain in your life before, YOU WILL GET OVER IT. It takes time, but you will recover and find love again. It's imperative that you understand this, and believe it, even if you have to write it in big letters on your bedroom mirror, type it out on a 3 x 5 card you carry with you in your wallet, or say it aloud to yourself every hour on the hour. You must at the same time, understand that people suffering from divorce go through certain predictable phases of thinking and acting as they begin to recover. In order to cope with the insecurity, uncertainty, and emotional damage you've suffered, you should understand that it's only natural that you go through each of these phases, and that as a result, you will again be a happy person. Perhaps the second hardest thing the person who has been "victimized" in a divorce has to do is let go. It's vitally important that you immediately let go of the other person; realize that the marriage is over, and begin setting your own life in order. Of course all of this is much easier said or written than done, but these things you must do, and you must do them - or get started on them - immediately. You've got to think about yourself - finding some sort of work with which to support yourself, and maybe your kids; writing out a plan for the management of your money; figuring out your transportation needs; and what you're going to do to fill your spare time. You cannot allow yourself to just sit and waste away! You've got to take hold of yourself and go on living! You can do it, and you must! The best way is to busy yourself with all the planning you've got to do, and all the things you've got to do to make those plans pan out. Sit down with paper and pencil immediately, look at your situation as it really exists, and lay out a "road map" of things that you're going to have to do in order to survive. In the meantime, the pain will still be there but you've got to keep forcing yourself not to think about it or dwell upon what was yesterday. The more you think about the past - what went wrong and why it happened to you - the worse it's going to hurt, and the longer it'll take for you to recover. What has happened to you can be likened to a cut on your hand: It hurts, and you bleed, but you wash it off, perhaps apply some medication, then a bandage and allow time as well as the healing processes of the human system to make it all well again. So it is with the dissolution of a marriage, but the bottom line is still: You must cure yourself of the hurt before you can be happy again. You're going to feel lonely, lost and deserted. You're going to grieve. You are going to mourn the loss of your loved one. You're going to deny that it's over, and think of it as a bad dream. You may fall into a state of deep depression and pretend that it's only a game that